The conference was held in March of 2015 and the theme was "Becoming a Disciple of Christ." The class that we were asked to teach was "Tools to help us make decisions in the Lord's way."
I struggled with accepting this calling for a few weeks, I didn't know what I could say that would help others, and I had already signed up for a Saturday morning class- which is the time meetings for this calling would be held. The experience was one of the most humbling I've ever had and it allowed me to open up about how life isn't always easy but you keep pushing forward.
Here is the "lesson" I taught that day, March 21, 2015:
About a year ago I was extremely unhappy. I had no goals, no direction, no ambition. I was in an on-again-off-again/dead end relationship. Life was going nowhere, and fast.
Then a really great friend of mine asked me a question that started the most painful and testimony building path I have ever had to go down. He asked me if I had ever considered serving a mission? Well yea. I had begun the process three different times, each time being lead down a path that just ended, only to end up where I was. A full time phlebotomist, a part-time student, and a nanny once a week at the age of 26. I wasn't unhappy doing all those things, in fact being a phlebotomist was the best thing! The family I nanny for is amazing and school, well, it was school. I'm excited to be going back and moving forward. So, there was that.
I answered and said that yes I had thought about it before, but that I hadn't really gotten anywhere with it, and besides I had too many reasons for not going now. He asked me to name a few of them. So I said student loans, car payments, no savings account. He said "Tiffani, those are excuses. If you talk to the proper authorities and they give you permission to go my wife and I will help you. And we want to pay for your mission." *jaw drop* ( I can not deny that God placed them in my life for so many reasons, helping me to see past my stubbornness is only one of the many many reasons.)
So I decided to pray. I prayed so much and so often about the decision to try again. It was all I thought about, and I felt so good about it. I felt so good about it, and so confident that I would be serving a mission that I gave my boss a quit date. I told her I wouldn't be there at the end of the year because I would be serving a mission for my church. My excitement and confidence rubbed off on her, because she was just as excited as I was about it.
I talked to my Bishop who gave me permission to talk to the Stake President, President Woahn. After meeting two times President Woahn said he felt very good about moving forward with the process. Unfortunately I had gone through some traumatic trials that required a counselors note, and I would have to write to the First Presidency of the church.
Writing that letter was THE HARDEST THING, hands down, that I have ever had to do. I was left vulnerable. Every secret, every sin, every trial, every choice was exposed. I was left without the protective wall that I had spent a lifetime building, a wall that grew with every heartache. I had to trust the process though, that was the only way I was going to be able to serve, and I just knew I would be going on a mission. So I turned in that letter at the end of June 2014. Do you know what happens in July every year? The First Presidency and the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles take the month off to spent time with their families. Basically, the church offices are dead. The wait was painful, and I was impatient. I probably text President Woahn no less than 25 times asking about the letter.
Meanwhile, I was called to be a Ward Missionary! This was just the positive sign that I had been looking for. This was great news. It was a practice run, I just knew it. The Lord knew I could handle it and he knew I was waiting for an answer so he thought he'd encourage me by giving me this calling. I also got permission to receive my endowments, and did so on July 15, 2014 in the Draper Utah Temple.
That summer had some real trials though. Work got harder, and no matter how hard I tried there were long weeks when I couldn't feel the spirit. All of that was okay though, I was preparing to go on a mission. I endured the hell that was engulfing me because someone really needed me to be strong. What I know now is that that someone was me.
In September, finally, I received a text from President Woahn asking me if I could meet with him, he had my answer.
So I met with him. He told me that he hadn't gotten a letter back but that he had made some phone calls and was able to receive my answer that way, and he didn't want me to have to wait any longer. The answer was that I was not to serve a full time mission. I cried so hard. (The message was delivered very lovingly and when I got the actual letter I felt nothing but loved, but that didn't make it easier to accept.) The week leading up to this meeting was a devastating one. Everything went wrong, I even remember that my favorite craft project fell off the wall and shattered. It was a lonely week, I had prayed and begged for an answer- any answer so that I could finally move forward. I was so tired of waiting. I never expected that though.
The next few days, even weeks, were somber ones. I went from work to home to bed. I loved being at work, it gave me a purpose, a reason. Being at home was so depressing. I was on Facebook one of those days when a church video of Elder Holland showed up in my news feed, and it answered all my questions. All the "why's." (You can see the video here.)
I felt like I had put my life on hold, and I wanted so many good things, but I couldn't bring myself to take the first step. I made excuses and I dragged my feet. Going through this process, it changed me. It gave me the courage to take the next step. I am not suppose to be anywhere else. Because I took the road I took and hit my dead end I can know WITHOUT A DOUBT that I am on the right path. I can give 120% of myself to my future husband and children without wondering what would have happened if I had tried. The best part about this process was that it forced me to own my past, which in turn allowed me to let go of it, and to fully use the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I know that the Atonement has worked in my life because I no longer feel weighed down, the weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I can walk forward with my head held high, with confidence in every step that I am right where I need to be. I couldn't have done that if I hadn't tried, one more time, to serve a mission.
In order to get the answers we need and want we need to be willing to move forward with faith, hope, and trust. We need to be able to be so vulnerable that only Heavenly Father can protect us. We need to be willing to own the choices of our pasts so we can let go of them. That's what it takes to have faith and accept Christ. Be willing to do those things Heavenly Father asks us to do so that we can find those dead ends and progress quicker. Trust him. Trust him so much that you would give up everything knowing he'd be there for you with the best blessings that you could never have dreamed of. I wouldn't trade my heartbreaking experience for anything. One of my favorite quotes is "God did not bring you this far to abandon you," by an unknown source. He is aware of your strengths and your weaknesses, of your wants and your needs. Trust him enough to be specific in your prayers and he will answer you. Ever time, he will answer. I promise.
NOW IT'S a year after I taught that class, and I can honestly say it's still one of the best lessons. That video is still one of my favorites, and my life is nothing like I dreamed it would be a year ago. I'm married now, I live in Texas, and I'm a full time student. I remember when I started out that journey. I got down on my knees and I told God in prayer that I was willing to do whatever he asked me, and he didn't make it easy. It was the roughest year yet, but a year I will never forget. I trust God a lot more easily now then I did before, life isn't perfect but at least I know I'm on the right path.
God didn't bring me this far to abandon me, he won't abandon you either.
